i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
