I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
