I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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