Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
