and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
