I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
