the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
