Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
