Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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