I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
