from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
