I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
My vagina just recognized that song.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
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