No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
