he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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