so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
