I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
