i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
