If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
