mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
