The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
