He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
