um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
