Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
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