I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
