You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
She bit a glass in half.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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