Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
