i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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