Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
