A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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