A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
