Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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