I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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