I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
