On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
