I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
In America we eat man semen.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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