My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
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