I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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