anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
