I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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