I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
