so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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