Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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