my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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