my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
