before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
