two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
should my penis look like a turkey
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
