this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
