Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
