remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
