You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
