Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
