I can text with my tongue
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
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