Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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